This is my tumblr.

I think it’s safe to say that I honestly have no idea what a real, true, functioning relationship is.


All the relationships in my life are so screwed up it’s not even funny.  

When I’m supposed to sleep, I can’t. When I need to get up, all I can do is sleep.

I don’t like this at all :(

So, Facebook timeline really just freaked me out. Not in a “omg I hate this new timeline, whaaahhh” kind of way…but in a “Wowwww. This time a year ago my life was SO stinking different….” kind of way. Seriously it’s insane. About this time a year ago (almost exactly…even though “March is forever”) I hit it off with what is now one of my absolute BEST friends in the world, CoriBray (yes, it acts as one word.) It’s amazing to me all that just the two of us alone have been through in merely 12 months. I am so thankful that I’ve had her by my side…she’s been such a patient friend with amazing listening skills! (Hope I’ve not taken advantage of you!!) Oh, the memories that have been made in the past 12 months are seriously more than I’d say most people make in a lifetime…and for that I’m so grateful. Granted, we never went camping….or used a log that we bought in Walmart one time….and we didn’t make it back to North Carolina…..but thankfully there is still time for all of those things :)

It scares me though to think about life a year from now. Looking back, everything happened so fast. The good times, the bad times (“I’ll be on your side forever moreeee-that’s what friends are fooorrrr!”—sorry, random lyrics had to be added to that.) the times that seemed absolutely life shattering…..now they’re just part of our pasts. A year ago I would have never dreamed that half the things that have happened would have. A year from now I can’t even think of what my life will be like.

In 4 weeks I will be making a trip up to Cleveland, Ohio. A trip with a car loaded full of my things, a trip that will take me to my new life. Even if only for a season, in just 4 short weeks my life will completely change. The area, the people, the city, the circumstances, the way of living and existing will be completely different than any life I’ve ever known on a day to day basis. It’s exciting, it’s scary, it’s something I look forward to but I feel like it will never really get here. I know it will creep up on me, the way things do, and I’ll be so overwhelmed in loading my vehicle and saying my good byes…I know I’ll be emotional, but I think it will be worth it. It will be what is best for me, at least for now. 

Here’s to 2012….making the year completely worth it. Here’s to the memories I’ll look back on a year from now and think, “Wowww….I never thought that’d happen!” Here’s to living life in the moment, with no regrets.

Getting really used to saying this.

I just have to get this off my chest. 

I hate when I’m talking to someone about how I feel or my ideas on life and things I want to do and they come back at me with:

Yeah, I used to feel that way when I was younger….

and

You are kind of all over the place aren’t you? You don’t seem ready to settle down…you’re always talking about something different.


First of all, you’re only like 4 years older than I am. Yes I realize you have a lot more life experience due to your past, but still…..I have a lot of life experience of my own that you seem to downplay or forget.

Second of all, maybe I am all over the place….maybe I do change my mind….maybe I just have a whole lot of things that I love and I want to do. Who said that I have to pick one thing and be that? Who said I can’t do a million things in my life that I love and I’m passionate about? Last I was aware, it’s my life and I only get one chance to live so I may as well take every opportunity I can. I don’t want to look back on my life when I’m older and think, “Man…I had so much potential..I could have done anything….why did I feel so tied down and scared?” 

I’m so tired and sick to death of people acting as if I need to settle down and decide on this or that. I’m 22 freaking years old…I want to live my life. I want to travel, I want to bake, I want to work with children, I want to be a wife, I want to be a mommy, I want to be a teacher, I want to experience life. And no one can stop me other than myself.

My goal is to stop stoping (yes, I know it’s not a word) myself.  

Sadly when I do blog its because I need to vent. I should make it my goal to blog about good things. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have good things in my life-believe me, I do!-It’s just that I can be happy and share that part of my life with Facebook and Twitter and other forms of social media. Tumblr is a place I can let out my doubts, frustrations, and sometimes irrational fears with no worries that hundreds of “friends” will see….and it gives me more than 140 characters to express myself. So, I am thankful for Tumblr.  

What am I currently struggling with? The feeling of loneliness I think I might classify it as. I have a wonderful family that I love, and I have some of the best friends you could ever ask or hope for…but it goes deeper than that. I just feel empty lately and unsure. I’m also afraid of my capacity and ability to love someone. When I love I want to do it with my whole heart, all of me, give 120% because I feel like that’s how love should be. I want to be the person who can completely trust the other person, I want to uplift them and encourage them, I want to not stress or argue about silly little things that ultimately don’t matter. I want to be changeable, because I know I’m not perfect and I know I need to work on myself, I want to be everything that the other person could ever want or need to be happy. I’m so afraid that I’ll become that person, but whoever it is I’m with won’t. I know that may sound selfish, but that’s the thing….my plan is to not be selfish, and I think they shouldn’t be either. If neither of us are selfish, but we both want to give and help and encourage and make the other one happy, then I feel like things could be close to perfect. I’m just swimming in a pool of thoughts, I may as well be trying to swim in a pool of molasses, it’d probably be easier. It’s so hard to articulate or try to express in words on a page everything that is going on inside my head.

I’m just terrified of trying so hard to make someone else happy that I’ll forget that I deserve to be happy, too.